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Woody Johnson
Woodrow Waylon "Woody" Johnson (voiced by Tom Kenny) – Woody is a 55-year-old ranger with a military background and the head ranger of Brickleberry Park. Woody is a fat, short-tempered, greedy corrupt head ranger. He insults and abuses his own employees and other characters on a daily basis, if not minutely basis. Woody has mostly negative characteristics such as misogyny, committing crime often, being irritable to violent and acting erroneously. Biography Long before his military career, Woody was a porn star known as "Rex Erection". After having a successful career, and picking up drugs, Woody's asset was now useless. Woody was then relegated to non-sexual roles. After a bit of depression, Woody joined the army. He was dishonorably discharged for selfishly throwing one of his own comrades on top of a grenade to take cover. Currently Woody is a recovering post-traumatic ranger, with a military background. He worked his way up to head ranger over his thirty-year career at Brickleberry. Woody also took Malloy under his wing after the bear's family "disappeared." He always has the park’s best financial interest in mind and has little care to even hatred towards the physical essence of the park. These includes setting up electrical trees to avoid angry complaints by phone calls and starting a fire that will burn down the park then putting it out to earn a heroic reputation in "Race Off!". Woody is shown spoiling Malloy rotten and doing anything he can to please his selfish demands at the beginning of "Welcome to Brickleberry", the pilot episode. However, after this episode Woody and Malloy usually argue with each other especially since Malloy threatens to kill, take advantage of, and/or bankrupt Woody in most episodes. It was also shown in a flashback 3 years ago in "Woody's Girl" that when Malloy was a baby, he very loved Woody and expressed his love for him through his first words and letter blocks. Malloy's testosterone have caused him to become tired of Woody's attitude as well as develop flippish behavior between those 3 years as according to "Saved By The Balls", where he was castrated under the expectation of a teeth cleaning. Malloy eventually gets revenge on Woody by having the doctor replace his testicles with Malloy's when Malloy is in recovery from gunshot wounds. Both Woody's mother is dead (as revealed in "Two Weeks Notice", but debunked in "That Brother's My Father") and his wife is dead (as revealed in "Squabbits"). Woody claims that his mom's death (without any explanation why his mom died at an early age) upset his perverted dad so much that he forced Woody into wearing panties and a bra, as well as perhaps to look even more feminine. Woody complains that forgiving his dad is illogical and his memories of being abused still haunt him in the show's present time. Woody's mom and Woody's ex-wife appeared in a flashback in "My Way or the Highway" during Woody's 8th birthday and she encouraged him to have sex with a female hooker (his wife) so that he doesn't become gay in the future. While Steve, Connie and Ethel are forced to live in, according to Ethel, "run down shacks", Woody and Malloy are members of the Top 1% richest Americans, and have a mansion all to themselves. Woody purposefully doesn't use any of that money to compensate his underpaid employees all so he can spend it frivolously on luxuries like cocaine, wine parties and gourmet food. It is revealed in "Obamascare" that he has been working at Brickleberry for 30 years with perfect attendance, and that he is severely allergic to crab cakes. In That Brother's My Father" his mother shows up alive and well and marries Denzel. Appearance Woody is a big fat angry old man. He has short blonde hair styled into a combover and also a darker yellow big thick mustache. He has a white shirt with yellow buttons and a park ranger badge. There is also a Brickleberry badge with the park's logo on his sleeve. Woody is also very overweight. As a 8-year old boy, he was already overweight but when he reached young adulthood as Rex Erection, he was more muscular and wasn't so fat, but then unemployment and the downfall of his movie career is what seems to have made him stress eat back to being fat. Ethel proves in "Woody's Girl" that being the Head Ranger makes you stress eat donuts from all the responsibilities. Personality Woody is a proud worker at Brickleberry park and he loves his job and everything about it. He has a very low tolerance for mistakes and screw ups with his workers which is exploited with his workers' extreme chaos that they constantly cause which ends up in everything getting destroyed. Woody will constantly unleash a blast of extreme rage and loss of sanity along with a stream of unnecessary profanities when he does this which just makes everything a living hell for him. and Woody's gentle tone can sometimes be misunderstood for weakness, and behind the intimidating mustache is a man who truly does care for his friends and co-workers. Unfortunately, money can sway his morals left and right faster than a grandfather clock. Woody frequently mentions that he is a war criminal, as in the episodes Crippleberry and Race Off! Regardless that he isn't morally fit to be a soldier, he is very devoted to the war cause of the United States since he is a former war veteran (as mentioned in many episodes). When it comes to Malloy, Woody is a pushover and tends to spoil him rotten and gift him with chocolate and guns. Woody defends that he needs Malloy as his "therapy pet", because without him his post traumatic stress disorder from his service in the military will return to haunt him and he will go insane. Woody also proudly proclaimed that one time when Malloy said a dirty word, Woody washed his mouth out with a bar of chocolate. Religious and Political Views Woody is a right-wing conservative Christian. He often talks about Jesus and proves to be an Evangelical Protestant in "Miracle Lake" and is a critic of Catholicism (as revealed in "Woody's Girl"). He dislikes President Barack Obama (as revealed in "Woody's Girl" and "Obamascare"). Out of religious extremism, Woody is a global warming doubter and believes the earth really is only 2,015 years old. Woody is a Republican. He supported John McCain-Sarah Palin in 2008 (as seen in Obamascare) and he believes Jesus made oil out of dinosaurs specifically for Republicans. Woody is also obsessed with getting richer even while he is already rich and enjoys exploiting taxpayer money, which is a trait of numerous Republicans. Woody hates Al Gore, the 2000 U.S. presidential election's Democratic candidate for being an activist on global warming. Criminal Record * Murder by Firearms / Violation of Firearm Laws: '''Threatened to shoot Denzel for foul-mouthed language in "Two Weeks Notice", and later in the same episode he shot Steve by accident with a rifle. He also shot a country club applicant with a gun in "In Da Club" to avoid competition for membership so that he can taste the club's special sandwich. Malloy claims in the comic book issue 3 that Woody has murdered 17 people between 2012 and 2015, which is the show's entire course. * '''Arson: '''He intentionally started a wildfire by ordering Denzel to create it in "Race Off!", and therefore Kirk Sanders was determined to find out the culprit (which was Woody). Ethel and Malloy knew it was obvious the culprit is Woody, although they don't rat him out since Woody's their boss and they rely on him for income (Ethel) or food and shelter (Malloy). * '''Violation of Labor Laws: '''Refuses health insurance and minimum wage to his employees in "Hello Dottie". He also cut Steve's salary by 50%. However, it is presumed he restored his employees to minimum wage and health benefits at the end of the episode. * '''Scamming: '''He lied about giving a refund to a customer back on his credit card for a $10 camping fee. * '''Illicit Drugs: '''He did marijuana in "Saved by the Balls", cocaine in "The Comeback", does it again in "Old Wounds" by making a snowman out of cocaine called Frosty the Blowman and mentions doing cocaine at Kinko's in "Campin Ain't Easy". He also did many bad drugs with Mayor Todd Ford in "High Stakes". * '''Slander: '''Made a sex tape video of Denzel screwing Governor Melcher in "My Way or the Highway" * '''Electrocution: '''He dropped a plugged-in toaster into a bathtub that had someone still taking a bath in it in "In Da Club". Also, he electrocuted Steve in "Global Warning" back and forth after Steve was able to see into the future just by getting shocked. * '''Child Abuse: '''Headlocked a young Filipino girl in "Write Em' Cowboy". Her parents didn't seem to care about this and took amusement in it. * '''Dishonorable Military Conduct: '''During the time he served in the army division Red Skulls, he threw his own private Jack Abowski on top of a grenade in order to save himself as shown in "Old Wounds". * '''Slavery: '''He used Oompah-Loompahs as his personal slaves, locking them up in his basement as shown in "Old Wounds". They all died when they succumbed to starvation and cannibalism since Woody forgot to feed them. * '''DUI: '''Woody drove to court drunk in "Baby Daddy". This got him forced to do community service. * '''Mishandling of Radioactive Waste: '''Dumped radioactive waste into rivers in "Steve the Fearless Pilot". This caused a giant man-eating sea monkey to arise later on. * '''Assaulting Law Enforcement: '''He slapped a police officer in the face in "High Stakes" * '''Stealing a Fire Truck: '''He does this while having fun with Mayor Todd Ford in "High Stakes". However, he couldn't be prosecuted because Ford was the mayor. * '''Graft: He accepted Steve's mom having sex with him in order to make Steve the Ranger of the Month every month in "Amber Alert", which counts as accepting bribery and prostitution. * Hitman: He offered hitman services in "Amber Alert" * Poisoning Children: '''He deceived children into swimming in a lake that was highly contaminated with chemicals and leeches by refraining from warning them not to do so in "Campin Ain't Easy" * '''Sexual Harassment: '''Woody claims that in the past he went to jail for having sexually violated a girl with his extremely long penis in "Campin Ain't Easy", although it was not intentional yet it was his penis's fault, with Woody claiming his penis has a life of its' own wanting to rub against girls for sexual pleasure * '''Violation of '''Air Pollution Laws: '''He started a company called Woody Johnson Inc, in the series finale "Global Warning" to deliberately create more global warming. He, and the rest of human race, ultimately paid the price for his idiotic carbon footprint. Category:Characters Category:Males Category:Park Rangers Category:Rapists Category:Main Characters Category:Antagonists Category:Overweight Characters Category:Tom Kenny Category:Whites